I spend a good deal of my time looking for unguarded moments. Even without a camera in hand I can be content for ridiculously long periods of time simply observing people, waiting patiently for some glimmer of familiar vulnerability that I may relate to, and forever searching for signs of quiet thoughtfulness and genuine connection.
I created this online journal over 3 years ago to be an oasis of unguarded moments for myself and like-minded others. In retrospect I should have set it up as an anonymous photoblog, and honestly can’t remember what my logic was for not doing so, since I knew all along I didn’t necessarily want this to be for client viewing. For more than a year now I’ve gone back and forth about the fate of lightheaded, ignoring it all together for long periods and then impulsively returning again, just as lovers in the process of breaking up are prone to do. But for many varied and compelling reasons, I believe the time has come for us to finally call it quits.
I’ve considered and dismissed the alternatives: a studio photoblog (boring and obligation driven), starting a new anonymous photoblog (feels like a betrayal to lightheaded and strangely dishonest, not to mention I really don‘t feel up to starting over again), or somehow modifying lightheaded (less vulnerable/more guarded…..I don’t think so).
So just as Neil Sedaka sang many years ago, “breaking up is hard to do”, this is hard. A part of me doesn’t want to let go of that which I’ve poured so much of myself into, but I sense I’m becoming more guarded here and don’t want that either. I would have imagined that when the day came to take lightheaded offline I’d be filled with poignant words of what this experience has meant to me, but instead I feel somberly quiet and empty. I am though, deeply appreciative of all the people who’ve encouraged me with this endeavor over the last several years.
It’s been good.
With much love and gratitude,