my next portrait

 

I am always hopeful that my best portrait created will be one I make today. At this session. For this client. Of this child. No other portrait I’ve ever created is as significant as the one that potentially dwells within the unexposed rolls of film I take with me to this shoot. Doesn’t matter if it isn’t the prettiest child I’ve ever photographed, in fact I would prefer it not be the obviously beautiful one. I would like for my best portrait to be of a child with imperfect features; latent magic flickering through imagined defect. Perhaps asymmetrical eyes a bit too squinty, or a large gap between teeth peeking through a crooked smile. Protruding ears, too many freckles, an overly pronounced dimpled chin.

Yes. Give me the child whose beauty is well hidden and I will be the relentless pursuer who seeks and reveals those attributes easily overlooked by the masses. What a feeling the thought of this brings me! To present to the parents an image of such beauty and contrast they cannot resist looking at it again and again.

I hope for this……anticipate this……before each and every shoot I take on. I have to trust it lies within the realm of possibility in each job I’m hired to do. If I didn’t, I couldn’t at times muster the energy to photograph yet another awkward preteen, unruly toddler, or creature-like newborn. But more than this, if I didn’t embark on a shoot with the knowing that there is a tremendous treasure waiting to be discovered within our allotted time together, I simply couldn’t be a photographer.

I woke the morning of this particular shoot with determination to create my best portrait yet. Spent the drive to the park where we were to meet trying to empty my mind of any previous portraits done and open myself to the unknown magic of this upcoming event. When I arrived I was a bit discouraged by the location though….not a pretty park, with lots of distracting plastic playground equipment, limited areas of desirable light, and fire ants everywhere. Add to this my clients arriving late, with the sun quickly getting higher and hotter, and I soon found my level of frustration climbing as well.

And yet I continued to believe I would create my best portrait……here…..today. I believed it even as I prepared to take what would be my final shot, when the 2 year old, her mother, her dog, and the entourage of extended family members who came along to “help”, plainly were over the whole thing and did not see the point in continuing. As I drove away from this session, feeling exhausted and somewhat defeated, I understood something more clearly about what creating my best portrait really means to me.

There is a hunger inside that won’t ever be entirely satisfied. A thirst for more that cannot be quenched. I will never get it done, and it will never be complete. My best portrait will forever remain a work in progress. I’ve come to recognize that this portrait is not some future image of photographic perfection, but rather a constantly evolving black and white mosaic made from bits and pieces of everything I‘ve seen up until this moment, and all that I‘ve allowed myself to feel as a result. It seems that I am slowly building the ultimate self-portrait, created by entering into these photo sessions with my senses and my heart wide open. A willingness to view my subjects and myself with utmost honesty and respect. I’m gathering long lost and forgotten fragments of me each time I do this, and without fail, these tiny morsels heal me just a little more of the emptiness. I become a little more full. But always the hunger remains. I’m learning to be grateful for this despite its occasional discomfort.

Do I consider the end results of this particular session to contain within them my best portrait yet? Regretfully, I don‘t think so. But I know this little girl and I gave it our best, and something true of each us is sprinkled among a handful of the photographs we made together that morning. I’m content with that. I will take the best of this and add it to my mosaic, glad for her contributions, and for revealing to me yet another hidden facet of myself.

You see, the great gift in being a believer that the best yet is just waiting around the corner is that there is always something more to reach for. There’s always another chance to get it right. Plenty of real estate for expansion. And another reason to expect magic. I have a session tomorrow. I intend to wake to the certainty that I will create my best portrait yet.

~Cynthia