the images lost
It’s inevitable. On occasion, a perceived perfect image that I have close within my grasp will be lost. A hundred different events may have conspired to cause the misfortune, but most often it is simply human error. I’ve screwed up. In the heat of the moment, mistakes can be made. Blunders as dumb as abruptly moving to a new lighting location and forgetting to change camera settings, or not noticing the film hasn’t advanced resulting in the never ending roll, maybe overestimating my film’s latitude in handling certain heavy backlight situations, and more. Many, many opportunities for mistake making to be had, and at some point I think I’ve made them all. Such wonderful teachers these humiliating goofs are though, that I have to believe it’s because of them that I might today be a better photographer than I was previously. But apparently not so good that I don’t continue making them.
Maternity shoots with toddlers involved are always a challenge. It’s my primary goal to have mom looking as goddess-like as possible for these sessions: relaxed, serene appearing, feeling good about her body and herself in general. But throw in the wild card of a toddler to the mix and all those goddess qualities can quickly melt into a puddle of frustration, leaving me with a stressed-out, wilted mom to photograph. Not so portrait worthy.
Understandably, the mom really wants her child included in at least a few of the images taken while she’s expecting another baby. She envisions an intimate scene with her and her child cuddled closely together, focused with loving attention and adoration on the firm round belly and the promise of a baby within. So we try. And we try again. But often it seems the toddler is only interested in a rousing game of “keep away” from mom’s belly. Not only will he or she sit nowhere in the vicinity of the soon-to-be-born sibling, but commonly will act as if the woman carrying this baby in her belly is now a complete stranger to be avoided at all costs. Why this is, I do not know, but it’s so commonplace I’m thinking these toddlers must have all read the same manual on maternity photo-shoot behavior.
Many times we never do get the kind of image that both the mom and I hope for, admit defeat, and just move on to other things. This looked to be the case during a recent shoot. A fifteen month old with better things to do than play our photo game proved that she was the one in charge and there would be no images of her with “the belly“. It was the end of the session when we decided to give it one more try. To both the parents and my surprise, she stayed put long enough for me to begin a series of images of the family nestled together. The best of the session to be sure, and I grew excited to see where we might go with this. Knowing that time was of the essence, after I’d finished a roll of film I very quickly opened the film door to load another when I realized the film inside had not properly rewound. I had exposed the film to full daylight. I closed the door and rewound the film, knowing I had now lost several images on the roll. By the time my camera was loaded and ready to go again the moment had passed. The child had now crossed the point of no return and the session was over.
I lost 10 images from that roll. And it was precisely the same 10 images shot of the family together during that brief idyllic window of opportunity. While I try not to let this kind of thing get to me the way it used to, I still experience tremendous disappointment. The truth is, the images lost always take on a sort of legendary quality……in my twisted mind these become the images of merit. And these don’t necessarily have to be frames actually shot, they may only be the “potential images”…..the things I see that don’t get photographed……the fleeting expressions I miss because I just wasn’t quick enough.
It sometimes seems that our losses shape our lives more than what we actually hold in our hands. The trick being noticing the lesson embedded within the loss, and trusting that it can ultimately shape our lives in a positive way. And then not allowing that which we see and lose to inhibit us from keeping our eyes wide open to see more. I wonder if maybe it is the images lost that compel me to dig a little deeper and with more care the next time, understanding more clearly the fragility of fleeting moments.
Ultimately, I like that I am still learning. I like that I haven’t mastered this craft and I’m not even close to reaching it’s peak. It’s the journey of photography that excites me most: the infinite different ways of seeing and interpreting what I see on film……and the endless possibilities that lie ahead, even within the images lost.
~Cynthia
*Photo tip: If toddler’s face shows signs of being under duress as a result of being forced to be in parents’ maternity shots…..photograph only those parts of the body where this is not evident. (This is called taking a selective view of reality……something I practice often.)
