averted eyes

As I was walking into a store the other day a stranger with a kind face looked directly at me and smiled as he was walking out. Certainly not a noteworthy moment in itself, these sorts of passing interactions breeze by constantly as one travels about in the world. But I realized something about myself as a result of this particular incident that caused it to be of interest to me. The moment it became clear in my mind that it was me the man was looking at in a very friendly and non-threatening way, I immediately averted my eyes downward and pretended I hadn‘t noticed.

I do this all the time whether it be a man or woman, stranger or acquaintance. I am the observer acutely uncomfortable with being observed. Some of this surely may be attributed to my tendency towards shyness, or the way I am so often deep in thought and don’t want to risk being engaged in “surface talk”. But I wonder sometimes if it is me secretly sabotaging the very thing I want most……to be truly seen and understood by another. Maybe I’m afraid that my outward appearance will betray what it is within me that is true.

All this was freshly on my mind as I went into yesterday’s photo session. It was a rather large, multi-family shoot where I was to photograph not only the entire group together but many different combinations of family members. As I working with the group, I felt an awareness of just how at ease I am with both observing and being observed when looking through the lens of a camera. It is as if my camera allows me the freedom to see and be seen without fear.

I don’t believe that a photographer can make a truly honest portrait of someone without revealing something of oneself as well in the process. Because I know this going into a shoot, I know also there can be no hesitation on my part, and I cannot avert my eyes. Perhaps this is where the real rush of photography lies for me. No matter how reluctant I may feel in the moments prior to a session, as I begin looking deeply at those I am photographing, and inviting them to do the same with me, something inside changes. I am energized by the exchange, and the more I see in others…….the more I reveal of myself……the narrower the distance between us becomes.

I hope one day I will learn this is true whether I’m holding a camera or not.

~Cynthia