detachment

 

Luckily for me, I managed to take “better” portraits of this young girl than the above example……portraits fully in focus even. In fact, this is an outake that won’t make the cut for her parents proofbook. But while reviewing the proofs from the session I found myself pausing at this one, revisiting the moment it was taken, and contemplating its meaning to me.

She was a part of multi-family group I was hired to photograph. As I began the session by photographing the entire family together, it was quickly evident that she was the one most uncomfortable in front of the camera. The problem wasn’t that she was uncooperative, but rather the opposite, she wanted so to please others that she’d lost touch with how to simply be herself. Oh, she tried arduously to give what was asked, her nine year old face squeezed painfully into the expression she imagined was required for the occasion. The more suggestions given to her, the harder she tried, and the tighter her features became. I knew then that the only way I’d achieve a more natural look from her would be to catch her between “performances”. Difficult, when needing 15 other faces to be ready for this moment as well.

I was anxious to photograph her alone, and wished I had more time to do so thoughtfully. While she was able to relax her expressions more for this portion of the shoot, I could feel her still “trying” and I wanted so for her to let go. Noticing I was near the end of a roll of film I slowed my photographing, talked with her quietly, and waited patiently in hopes that this letting go might happen. I had one shot remaining when the thick humid air became ominously still, the sky grew even darker than it had been threatening rain more emphatically, and I could hear the rest of family scurrying about preparing to leave. The shoot was over. I looked at her and smiled and said, “very good, we’re done”.

I’d been sitting on the ground across from her and began to stand when I glanced over as she raised her arm to brush something off the back of her neck. It was then I lifted my camera once again, pressed the shutter release, and made this image. Why is it significant to me? I think because I recognized myself in her, and how I have a tendency to try so hard to please others that I forget sometimes how to simply be myself. I saw in her eyes in this moment that she had finally detached from the expectations she’d placed on herself. I had also at this time detached from the expectations I’d placed on myself regarding this shoot. And we met each other, hot and sweaty and a bit exhausted, in this frame 36.

 

~Cynthia