in search of original

I worry I’m not original enough. Sometimes I view other people’s work and rather than simply being inspired I make the mistake of comparing myself to them, deciding they are more creative, and experiencing that horrible feeling of “not enough-ness”. I’m never proud of doing this, so then compound it by berating myself for making the comparison in the first place. Oh, it’s an ugly cycle when I allow this to happen!

When I was a very young girl I made up songs I’d sing to occupy and entertain myself in quiet times. I had so much fun doing this. Even today one of these little ditty’s will pop into my head unexpectedly where it will replay itself an annoying number of times. Recently I was repotting some plants on my front porch when a catchy number I’d made up when I was about 4 years old and hanging out with my aunt in her garden revisited me…….”It’s diggy wormy time”. I was quickly reminded of the wise decision I’d made not to pursue a career in songwriting.

The reason for my bringing this up is that one day in my youth, when in the process of creating a “new” song, I came to the unpleasant realization that each and every song I’d written had roughly the same melody. I hadn’t created anything new at all, but only put fresh words to the same old tune over and over again. I was thoroughly disgusted with myself for my lack of originality, and don’t think I made up another song again after the revelation I‘d had that day.

When hired to photograph yet another pregnant woman, newborn or toddler, it is all too easy to feel that I’m once again only putting a fresh face to the same old tired melody. I question my originality and can feel like quitting. I’m not overly clever, I’m not at all a stylist, and my tastes run so minimalist that it seems there is only so much I *can* do that’s new. But I know that’s not true.

Within the word “original”, resides the more important word “origin”, and this is what I tell myself to return to in times of doubt. Instead of working so hard at being different, I need to concentrate on how I can be more fully myself. And just have fun with it. This is where my treasure lies, I‘m certain. I wish I could go back and tell the little girl I was, “Don’t be so discouraged, don’t quit, just keep releasing the words which are inside you, and a unique melody to accompany them will come….it will come”.

Of course I can’t go back in time and tell her so that the past may be altered, but I write this now as a reminder to myself today. If only I will allow more “Cynthia” into my work, the melody will come, and I needn’t worry any longer about being original.

~Cynthia