edward
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I wanted to be a photojournalist when I grew up. I wanted to tell stories about people that would illuminate them in such a way that those who came into contact with the words and images would be somehow moved to a greater understanding of themselves. Romantically wanting my photographs and words to work as links connecting one unlikely person to another, helping to uncover the buried similarities shared.
I don’t believe that regret ever serves a person well, so try not to spend much time lamenting those things that did not happen. And besides, if there is something we wished we would have done differently in the past don’t we still have the opportunity to choose differently today?
I understand now that I’ve never been assertive nor bold enough to succeed as a photojournalist in the traditional sense. So I’m grateful to be photographing children in a manner that feels somewhat photojournalistic and allows me to satisfy those youthful desires for the most part. I struggle a bit during the busy holiday portrait season though, when sessions take on a more theatrical tone that can leave me questioning my purpose and feeling slightly hollow.
I was working on putting some final orders together yesterday when restlessness caused me to grab my camera and see what I might photograph. Since no one was home and nothing of interest was going on around my neighborhood I spontaneously hopped in my vehicle and headed out in search of something new that might quench my thirst. The awareness that I only had about 45 minutes of daylight to work with provided an urgency to the outing that was both exciting and anticipatory.
I noticed him immediately. He was sitting on the sidewalk in front of his shopping cart home a block away from where I parked. He was the one I wanted to photograph…….not to exploit him but to reveal him. My shyness so often keeps me from approaching strangers, and I could feel myself tensing in considering this now. I could safely photograph him from a distance, but with the lens on my camera I knew it wouldn’t be nearly close enough. I needed to really see him.
I stood there, across the street and half a block from him for several minutes……hesitating. Had I more time I would have negotiated with myself long enough to sensibly dismiss the idea of approaching him, but the sun was quickly dropping in the sky. I looked around for something else to photograph, took a few sorry shots of the downtown Christmas tree and then, completely disgusted with myself, promptly headed towards him.
I knelt down in front of him and asked if I might take a few photographs. He looked at me suspiciously, and speaking appeared to be quite a chore for him when he slowly answered, “I don’t know.” He asked if I was with the newspaper and I told him I was just a portrait photographer who thought he had a nice face. I handed him some money, he smiled at me and said alright. He told me his name was Edward but didn’t want to talk beyond that and so I was to only learn more by observing him through the lens of my camera. The photographing was an exciting exploration and I wanted to continue as long as the light held out, but after I changed my position a couple of times he abruptly lifted his hand to my camera and said, “that’s sufficient”. He had his boundaries.
After I thanked him I walked around the block and then returned to my vehicle. He wasn’t sitting in the spot where I’d first seen him so I looked around curious as to where he’d gone. Then I noticed him, head down laboring to push his overloaded shopping cart to a destination I’ll never know of. It occurred to then, that the photographs I’d taken of him had moved me to a greater understanding of myself and in fact were the link connecting me to this unlikely man, causing me to consider our similarities. The thing I wanted to do in my youth I was doing now…….but just for myself.
Merry Christmas and thank you, Edward.
~Cynthia
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is a completely unique creature and that, if we are ever
to give any gift to the world, it will have to come out
of our own experience and fulfillment of our own
potentialities, not someone else’s.
~Joseph Campbell
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