gifts bestowed

 
I can’t count how many times it’s happened. There will be a shoot I greatly anticipate doing and have lots of ideas running through my head of how it might go. It may be returning clients with children I’ve photographed multiple times and feel I’ve some understanding of their unique personalities. Or perhaps it’s a new client that for some reason has sparked something in me that inspires me to travel somewhere previously unexplored. Potential images bubble up in my consciousness and I feel “ready” and enthused for the session.

It seems though, that the more vivid the preconceived images are in my mind going into the shoot the less likely they are to actually materialize. I’m fixated on something that is mine alone, not taking into consideration that a successful portrait session is always a collaboration. The stronger my intentions, the less of my subjects I’m allowing in the mix, and this never works if I care about their integrity. And it especially doesn’t work when dealing with children.

This happened again recently and I really let it get to me. Even though in the end there were plenty of usable images to present to the client, not one of my imagined portraits came to be and I was discouraged…..really discouraged. This affected me to such a degree that I lacked confidence going into my next scheduled shoot and in the intense moments prior to beginning I truly felt I had nothing to offer. I was empty.

In emptiness though, there is plenty of room for my subjects to frolic and play and be themselves. There is also room for magic to enter. I haven’t boxed anyone in to an image of my choosing and as a result boundaries no longer exist. And so it was with this session. I began it feeling the tiredness that often accompanies self-recrimination and I was a bit withdrawn. The child was bold so I gladly let her take the lead and simply followed along somewhat lethargically.

Maybe fifteen minutes into the shoot though, something shifted. She wasn’t leading nor was I leading, but instead we were floating along together like butterflies. It was harmonious and unexpected and the most fun I’ve had in a very long time. It seemed that the light and the breeze and the child and I were all in synch and I wasn’t so much thinking of the images I was intuitively making as I was merely wanting to be fully with her.

There were literally dozens and dozens of images that came from the session that I was pleased with. Subtle stories emerged where the little girl in front of me and the little girl inside of me joined and played as one. I’m not sure if the lesson of these kinds of sessions is a reminder of the importance of remaining empty and keeping boundaries and expectations loose, or if they are simply gifts from a higher power. Gifts bestowed for faithfully following ones bliss. I am forever learning that while the path isn’t always easy, it’s infinitely rewarding, and I truly can’t imagine a sweeter calling than to be a photographer.

~Cynthia